I didn't shave. On purpose
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize