maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
