Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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