I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
