Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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