I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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