Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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