I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
