he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
