I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
