My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
