so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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