My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
