Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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