he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
