mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize