My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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