she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
