fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
