I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
