Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize