OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize