just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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