So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
