Cold hands, warm shart.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Are we still banned from the library?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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