i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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