also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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