i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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