It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
