Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
