omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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