He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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