Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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