If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
