Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
this is an emotional support booty call
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