matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
