Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
