And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
