I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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