i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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