Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
