Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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