JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
