I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
