i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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