Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
