There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
