My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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