I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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