I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize