I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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