this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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