I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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