nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
