How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
