I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
