Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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