I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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