so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
