dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
