The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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