i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
