I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
