So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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